This story was excerpted from Brian McTaggart’s Astros Beat newsletter. To read the full newsletter, click here. And subscribe to get it regularly in your inbox.
The start of a new year means it’s a chance for everyone to set some goals. That’s even true for the Astros, who are once again among the favorites to contend for a World Series title. With the start of Spring Training around the corner, here are some off-the-wall — and completely fabricated — predictions for the Astros in 2024:
Bryan Abreu: Abreu is so unhittable, baseball changes its rules to allow hitters to ask for the “intentional strikeout” so they don’t have to step into the box against him.
José Abreu: He finds his power stroke from the get-go and begins to incorporate sliding into the dugout at the conclusion of each of his home run trots.
Jose Altuve: Altuve cements himself as the greatest Astros player in history by earning his second MVP award and winning the city’s mayoral race in a landslide special election.
Yordan Alvarez: The slugger hits a home run so far that the folks down the road at NASA respond by postponing all space missions while he’s at the plate.
Alex Bregman: After one of his horses wins the Kentucky Derby, Bregman begins mimicking a trotting horse each time he rounds the bases.
Hunter Brown: Detroit native shows up at Spring Training wearing blue face paint after his Lions win their first Super Bowl championship.
Yainer Diaz: After finally getting a chance to become the starting catcher, Diaz aims to make up for lost at-bats from 2023 by trying to convince manager Joe Espada he can also play the role of Victor Caratini.
Mauricio Dubón: A Gold Glove winner at the utility position in 2023, Dubón vows to play all nine positions in a single game this season.
J.P. France: The right-hander shaves his trademark mustache, but no longer gets to ask his teammates if they know how fast they were driving over the speed limit.
Chas McCormick: The “Chas Chomp” is replaced by the “McCormick Moonwalk,” which sweeps the country and lands him on Dancing with the Stars.
Jeremy Peña: The baseball community is stunned when Peña ends his home run drought on Opening Day and proceeds to bench press the catcher after crossing home plate.
Ryan Pressly: His walk-up song, “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” by Johnny Cash, is heard so much at Minute Maid Park that it shows up on the Top 40 music charts.
Kyle Tucker: After struggling to decide whether to wear batting gloves full time the last two seasons, Tucker unsuccessfully tries to sell his teammates on batting mittens.
Framber Valdez: The lefty allows so many ground balls that the infield grass at Minute Maid Park must be replaced following each one of his starts.
Justin Verlander: There’s not a dry eye in the house when Verlander vows to pitch until he’s 50 years old, but only if the Astros trade for him three more times.
